Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He got pulled under by a very strong currant. It\u2019s the way I tell\u2019em. Actually it\u2019s not. What decides whether or not you think that\u2019s funny is, apparently, who you think I am. Suppose I\u2019m Frank Skinner in disguise; then your laffometer will be predisposed to rise. But if a \u2018non-humourous\u2019 celebrity lies behind my byline \u2013 Peter Andre, say \u2013 watch the fickle finger flicker downward.<\/p>\n
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We can thank the annual conference of the British Psychological Society for this insight, along with the fact that seeing a No Smoking sign makes smokers crave a ciggie or that drinking hot chocolate will make you do maths quicker and more accurately. There\u2019s nothing like a bit of psychology to tell you something otiose or restate the bleeding obvious.<\/p>\n
Still psychology has uncovered the world\u2019s funniest joke. Dr Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, got three million hits and his LaughLab website crashed when he asked the world to vote. Here it is, though don\u2019t get too excited:<\/p>\n
\u201cTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn\u2019t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: \u2018My friend is dead! What can I do?\u2019 The operator says: \u2018Calm down, I can help. First, let\u2019s make sure he\u2019s dead.\u2019 There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: \u2018OK, now what?\u2019 \u201d<\/p>\n
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That gag, which was submitted by a 31-year-old psychiatrist Gurpal Gosall, from Manchester, had universal appeal across countries, ages and gender. Apparently it contains the three key elements of a good joke: incongruity, the relief of anxiety and making the teller feel superior.<\/p>\n
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Different cultures have different emphases though. Brits like wordplay. Patient: \u2018Doctor, I\u2019ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.\u2019 Doctor: \u2018I\u2019ve got some cream for that!\u2019 \u00a0Whereas the French, Danes and Belgians all preferred something more surreal:<\/p>\n
\u201cAn Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: \u2018Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.\u2019 The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: \u2018There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price\u2019. \u2018But,\u201d the dog replied, \u2018that would make no sense at all.\u2019<\/p>\n
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The Yanks, unsurprisingly, go in for superiority. \u201cTexan: \u2018Where are you from?\u2019 Harvard graduate: \u2018I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.\u2019 Texan: \u2018OK, where are you from, Jackass?\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
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The four commonest joke themes are a clever-dick getting his comeuppance, husbands and wives not being loving, doctors being insensitive about imminent death and God making a mistake. Patterns of three are common, with two straight-man examples and a third one to shatter expectations as in: My favourite books are Moby-Dick, Great Expectations, and Rock Hard Abs in 30 days.<\/p>\n
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But there are some objective factors. Interdisciplinary brain scientists have shown that the prefrontal cortex and the mesolimbic reward centre find ducks funnier than other animals when they are substituted in gags. Computer analysis suggests that jokes containing 103 words are especially rib-tickling. And the Germans \u2013 a nation not renowned for their sense of humour \u2013 found just about everything on the LaughLab website funny.<\/p>\n
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The English, Scots, Welsh and Irish voted this best: \u201cA woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: \u2018That\u2019s the ugliest baby that I\u2019ve ever seen!\u2019 The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: \u2018The driver just insulted me!\u2019 The man says: \u2018You go right back and tell him off \u2013 go ahead, I\u2019ll hold your monkey for you\u2019.\u201d \u00a0The truth, in the UK at any rate, is cruel.<\/p>\n
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So did you guess? What\u2019s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. \u00a0See it was Peter Andre after all.<\/p>\n
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